Things not to do on Atlantis
by albert12
Summary: The Atlantis expedition learns some of the things you SHOULDN’T do aboard Atlantis… the hard way. Set sometime in the last season.
1. Chapter 1

Author's note: Following the success of my humorous short stories about SG-1, I have decided to do one about Atlantis.

I've been trying to write this story for a while, but I could only think stuff up at about 11'clock PM, and would forget to write it down. And thus, I would forget it. I finally remembered to write some of it down, and here it is!

Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate: Atlantis! If I did, they would have never have canceled the show.

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No-one knew where it had come from. It had appeared mysteriously. It appeared to be an innocent notebook, duct- taped to the wall of the mess hall near the door.

John Sheppard looked at it strangely. The title read:

**Things not to do on Atlantis**.

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**1. Do not shoot random shrubbery while screaming "Die, you stupid Wrath! Die!"**

Zedeka had heard something moving nearby, and opened fire. Fortunately, he only had a stunner. Major Lorne was recovering nicely.

**2. Besides, you never know who may be hiding in the shrubbery.**

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The next day, two more posts appeared.

**3. Bumper stickers are not to be attached to puddle jumpers.**

Sheppard had obtained a nice-looking bumper sticker on a trading mission- and affixed it to the back of the puddle jumper. Where Rodney had promptly banged his head off it.

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**4. Especially if you don't know what it means in Genii.**

The next stop had been a Genii planet, where the villagers had noticed it. And proceeded to chase them back to the gate with pitchforks.

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Rodney walked into the mess hall just in time to see Ronon Dex making the next addition to the now- well-known list.

**5.I am not "Larry the Cucumber".**

"What's that about?" Rodney asked

"One of the new people." Sheppard said "He brought a copy of 'Veggie-tales' with him."

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The next day, Sheppard checked the list to find two more rules had been added.

**6. John Sheppard is not "Bob the Tomato".**

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**7. Rodney McKay is not "Archibald Asparagus".**

"I think the Vegetable craze is spreading." Rodney noted.

"I think it's getting a little out of hand." John said, picking a pencil and adding a new rule to the list.

**8. Alright, cut it with the "Veggie-Tales", people!**

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Apparently, Sheppard's words didn't sink in. He walked into the mess hall to see Teyla looking at the newest rule on the rapidly-growing list.

**9. If Atlantis did have a theme song, it would not be "The water buffalo song".**

Sheppard looked at her strangely.

"Major Lorne." She explained.

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Major Lorne walked to the mess hall to see Rodney McKay posting a new rule.

**10. Ronon Dex is no longer allowed to sing in the gateroom.**

"Wha-" Lorne began.

"You realy don't want to know." McKay stated

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Apparently, the Saldean's singing was unpleasant, as a slew of new rules appeared on the list.

**11. We don't want his singing in the mess hall, ether.**

**12. The ZPM room and labs are off limits to singing of ANY kind.**

**13. Anyone singing in the Infirmary will be found needing a number of shots from the largest needles I can find. Got it, you lot?**

**14. We get the picture. Ronon, you are no longer allowed to sing anywhere on Atlantis.**

The creative Satedan soon found a loophole in that rule.

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**15. SINGING IN PUDDLE JUMPERS IS HEREBY FORBIDDEN!**

"What happened?" Rodney asked

"Huh? What'd you say?" Sheppard asked,

"WHAT HAPPENED?" Rodney yelled.

"I'm fine. Keller says I'll get my hearing back in a few hours." Sheppard stated.

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A few days later, a new rule appeared on the list.

**16. Sporks are not dueling weapons.**

Sheppard stared at the rule strangely. Teyla walked up beside him.

"What happened?" he asked, staring at her accusingly.

"Lorne started it!" she protested.

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**17. Even if they can be used to start food fights.**

Wolsey had heard about that one. Atlantis-2 had discovered a new use for the highly unpalatable "mashed potatoes" the cook had made from the potato-like-objects they had collected from P3X-129. Before the Marines had broken it up, it had involved three Atlantis teams, a group of scientists, and a passing Athosian.

Lorne was still trying to wash the smell of fruit punch out of his hair.

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Author's Note: Well? What do you think? Is it Horrible? Wonderful? Press the green review button and let me know!

More chapters may come if I get enough reviews!


	2. Chapter 2

Author's note: Well, I managed to cook up another chapter of the amusing exploits of the Atlantis expedition. This was partly due to my finding of an early draft, which I forgot I had made. For those who are interested, numbers 29-32 came from the early draft. The rest were thought up on the spot.

Number 26 is a reference to something that happened to me yesterday. Or, more accurately, something my little sister did to me yesterday.

Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate: Atlantis! If I did, they would have never have canceled the show.

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**18. Ten-thousand year old dehydrated mice are for throwing out, not dropping down the back of your commanding officer's neck doing briefings. **

Rodney McKay had finally got around to cleaning his lab-and found something useful.

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**19. No re-decorating the puddle jumpers.**

Jumper three had been rather banged-up, and required extensive repairs. Sheppard and Rodney had conspired together, and the ship was now good as new- and sporting a beautiful flame paint job.

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**20. Just because I let you keep the paint job doesn't mean you are allowed to drag-race jumpers.**

Wosley had been annoyed when he saw two jumpers pass the gate room window at supersonic speeds.

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**21. Who turned Ronon green?**

The Saldean stormed into the mess hall, looking furious. His skin was neon green, and his hair was a somewhat more subdued hue.

Rodney snickered to himself. Amazing, what you could do by re-arranging the control crystals for someone's shower.

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**22. No clobbering people with spurtles.**

Carson had got his hands on a traditional Scottish cooking utensil- and began using it on people who tried to get out of the infirmary before he allowed them.

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**23. P-90s are not to be used as chainsaws. You cannot cut firewood with them.**

Sheppard just hoped that whoever was that stupid GOT there well-deserved demotion.

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**24. Do not dial the DHD with your elbow. You will get a wrong number. I should not have to tell you this, people!**

Chuck had shown off his ability to dial with his elbow. Atlantis-1 had not noticed this and went through the gate.

Jumper four would never be the same again.

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**25. No giving alien goats laryngitis. Have you ever heard a goat with no voice?**

Sheppard didn't even want to know where that one came from.

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**26. No stuffing cantaloupe down the back of people's necks.**

The Daeladalus had arrived, bringing a large amount of supplies. Dr. McKay had quickly found a use for the excess cantaloupe.

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**27. You are not allowed to pour coffee grounds into the hot water heater.**

All the showers on Atlantis now offered two types of shower- Cold or Coffee.

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**28. IF I FIND WHO DIED MY SOCKS PINK, THEY GO IN THE WARSHER WITH THE SOCKS!**

Dex was clearly displeased with the new coloration of his footwear.

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**29. They needed washed! **

Apparently, Dex had recognized the handwriting, because the next rule was written in Mr. Wozely's unmistakable script.

**30. You are not permitted to throw people off the south pier. **

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**31. Do not call Ronon Dex "Dax". Or ask him about "previous hosts."**

Dr. Zelenka had noticed the similarity between Ronon's last name, and that of the Trill from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.

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**32. He will attempt to stuff you head-first in the Vanilla Fudge Swirl.**

Clearly, the Saldean hadn't been pleased.

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**33. Dr. McKay is not "Miles O'Brien".**

**34. Carson Becket is not "Dr. Julian Bashir".**

**35. Teyla is not "Kira Nerys".**

**36. I TOLD you about the "James T. Kirk" comments!**

Apparently, the ice cream had not dissuaded Zelenka.

**36. You are not permitted to chase annoying scientists around the south pier with frying pans.**

It was amazing how fast the Czech could run when the entire command staff of Atlantis was pursuing him.

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Author's Note:

For those of you wondering: Yes, the spurtle is an actual Scottish cooking implement. It's kind of like a weird wooden spoon with no bowl on it.

Well? What do you think? Is it Horrible? Is It Wonderful? Press the green review button and let me know!

More chapters may come if I get enough reviews!


	3. Chapter 3

Author's note: Thanks to everyone for their wonderful reviews. I have managed to cook up yet another chapter of Atlantis silliness.

Those of you who have requested more Wrath rules, check out numbers **37**,**43**, and **49**.

I am running a little short of ideas, so anyone who wants to suggest one should PM me with it. I will post it on the conditions it is both _clean_ and _funny_.

Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate: Atlantis! If I did, they would have never have canceled the show.

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**37. Do not call Michel "Charles Tucker the Third" unless you have a death wish!**

Michel had invaded Atlantis. A gate tech had thought it would be funny to call him names. When they had re-taken the gateroom, they had discovered the gate tech, none the worse for the wear- stuffed head-first in the trashcan.

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**38. Do not stick Wrath with forks!**

Ronon's blaster had run out of battery on a mission, and he had found himself a temporary weapon in the mess kit. The only wrath they had encountered had been very sorry-looking when Ronon was finished with it.

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**39. Even if it is extremely funny.**

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**40. That goes for sporks as well, John!**

The wrath had attacked. Sheppard had whipped out a spork and chased them back through the Stargate, screaming "Fear the spork of doom!"

**41. Chopsticks too, Dex!**

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**42. I allowed the flame job. But racing stripes?**

Major Lorne had got around to painting his jumper. It now wore a nice set of racing stripes and a large "53" on the front.

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**43. Do not shave Todd's head!**

Several mischievous marines had pulled a prank on poor Todd. The now shiny-headed Wrath was out for vengeance.

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**44. I allowed the flames, and the racing stripes, but flowers?**

Major Anne Teldy's all-female team had painted their jumper. Bright pink, with various flowers. It was now the envy of the jumper bay, and the cause of Sheppard being ill whenever he looked at it.

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**45. Stay away from the chickens!**

Teyla had picked up an entire flock of chickens for an extreme discount. Mean chickens.

Carson hadn't realized this, was now in his own infirmary with a bad case of chicken-bite.

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**46. I do not care how drunk you were - No petting bumblebees!**

Teyla concluded that these earth humans truly were crazy.

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**47. If we did have a theme song, it wouldn't be "Prince John, the phony king of Atlantis."**

Dr. McKay had modified a song from the old Disney "Robin Hood" cartoon.

Unfortunately, the over-friendly natives on the next planet heard it. And thought it was honest.

Wolsey had quite a time convincing them that they did not want Sheppard executed.

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**48. Just because YOU think you can play the bagpipes, doesn't mean the rest of us do. Or want to hear it at 3: 30 AM.**

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**49. Do not give the Wrath scotch. Under any condition. Got it?**

Poor Todd had to be carried into the infirmary. He was still there, consuming an entire bottle of aspirin and threading to feed on the next person who made a loud noise.

**50. Besides, they'll drink the whole bottle!**

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**51. Do not plant fake ****Iratus**** Bugs in Sheppard's quarters.**

The head of Atlantis security had been found standing on top of his dresser, screaming at the top of his voice.

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**52. Roller-skating is not permitted on Atlantis.**

Sheppard+ roller-skates + inattention = big splash.

**

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Replies to those who do not have accounts:

**Jedi Hali:** It's supposed to be kind of weird. It's a "Things not to do" list!

**Snuffles:** Glad you enjoyed it! I shall continue this list for as long as I can think up funny things to put on it.

**Noventer: **Thanks!

**KezRyan: **I'm very glad you enjoyed it!

Also: I would like to thank **zentry** and **deblease** for pointing out my spelling mistakes.

You know the drill-Press the green review button and let me know what you thought! The more reviews, the sooner the chapters!


	4. Chapter 4

Author's note: This chapter is a bit shorter, because I had trouble getting ideas. So anyone who wants to suggest one should PM me with it.

I must say- what happened to all my reviewers? There was a 78% drop in the number of reviews I received for my last chapter. My muse runs on encouraging reviews! So review!

A special thanks to **Njam**, who gave me the idea for numbers 59, 60, and 63.

Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate: Atlantis! If I did, they would have never have canceled the show.

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**53. Do not wake Ronon at 3:00 AM by dumping cold water on his head. Even if it is an emergency.**

The Datelus had rescued Dr. McKay, but only after his third circuit of the north pier.

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**54. Do not poke Asgard in the nose. They have teeth.**

Lt. Cadman was now in the infirmary with a bad case of Asgard-bite. Who knew hermond could be so immature?

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**55. Do not put the Jell-O in the water tanks.**

All the showers now offered two types of shower- warm Jell-O or cold Jell-O.

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**56. Do not ask Teyla about the purple coloration.**

The Althosian had turned dark purple. Rodeny was in hiding.

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**57. And most certainly don't call her "Trance Gemini".**

One of the gateroom techs had made that mistake. The datelsus was now retrieving him from P3X-2408, also known as "one of the planets where they forgot to put a DHD".

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**58. Stuffing all the chickens in my shower. Very funny, you lot!**

Exactly why Atlantis-4 had decided to stuff 128 hens and three rosters in Dr. Beckket's shower, no-one was sure. They were currently in hiding.

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**59. Paper airplanes are not to be equipped with hyperspace generators.**

The techs had taken to making and flying paper airplanes. Rodney had cheated.

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**60. If you do, at least calculate the course correctly.**

When a hyperspace window had opened above Lt. Cadman's head, and a paper airplane zoomed out, she had been extremely startled, to say the least. They had heard her from the control room, a half-mile away.

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Sheppard walked into the mess hall to see that a new rule had been added.

**61. Do not run Ronon's pajamas up the flag pole.**

Sheppard looked out the window at the "flag pole". It was a particularly tall subspace antenna with a heavy-duty pulley set added by the expedition, with the intention of using it as a windsock. He studied it intently for a few seconds, then turned back to the list and added another rule to the growing list.

**62. Do not run Radek Zelenka **up the flagpole.

The Russian scientist was hanging by his belt a hundred feet of the ground, screeching loud enough to be heard on the mainland.

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**63. Equipping paper airplanes with Asgard plasma beams is not permitted.**

Rodney had found another way to cheat-eliminate the competition. It had worked, until the fire extinguishers had turned on.

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**64. Do not aggravate the Canadians!**

The Russians and Canadians were no longer speaking to each other. The Canadians were now enduring quarters that air conditioned themselves to 32 degrees automatically at 11:30 PM, and the Russian's showers turned green, and the gate no longer dialed for French teams.

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Author's note: Well? How did I do? Press the big green review button and let me know! The more reviews I get, the sooner I post new chapters!


	5. Chapter 5

Author's note: This chapter took a while to type out, and for a good reason- I managed to get myself stung by a wasp. My left hand swelled up to twice its proper size, and I could no longer touch my thumb to any of my fingers. Needless to say, I couldn't type until it got better.

Many thanks to my reviewers!

A special thanks to **Quacked Lurker** for the ideas for numbers 71,72, 73, and**J loves JS **for the idea for number 69.

Complements to anyone who can guess which rule came from The Three Stooges. (I found that Hulu has a number of their episodes. Go to www(dot)Hulu(dot)com and search for "the three stooges")

Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate: Atlantis or The Three Stooges.

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**65. You may not throw the scientists off the balcony.**

Even five years later, Sheppard was still being teased for throwing McKay off the control room balcony.

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**66. No more talent nights.**

Exactly why Ronon's talent was dressing McKay up as a wrath and beating the tar out of him, no one wanted to know.

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**67. No storming the infirmary.**

Atlantis-5's scientist had landed in the infirmary after the last mission. The rest of Atlantis-5 had stormed the infirmary and set him lose.

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**68. You may not stun beehives just to bring them back and dump them in the gateroom.**

McKay had brought back a colony of alien bees for study. They had proceeded to come alive and sting the entire command staff.

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**69. Do not hide Atlantis-5's copy of "The ****Princess Bride****".**

After enduring that movie the 28th time, Sheppard and McKay had hidden it. It had been recovered, none the worse for the wear, after the entirety of Atlantis-5 had attacked McKay with shaving cream.

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**70. The proper way to correct a leak in the water mains is NOT to sit on it and say "Look at me! I'm a successful cork!"**

Rodney didn't even want to know.

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**71. Pencils and pens are to remain in their designated container when not in use. They are not to be used on your commander when he falls asleep in a meeting.**

Sheppard had fallen asleep doing a briefing. He had awoken to find the word "Clueless" emblazoned on his forehead in permanent ink. Richard Woolsey was now in hiding.

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**72. Sheppard is not to be referred to as "Luke Skywalker".**

Actually, he hadn't minded that much.

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**73. Calling Dex "Han Solo" is very unwise. **

Dex's blaster actually has three settings. Stun, Kill, and Humiliate. The last setting caused a person's hair to catch fire. Atlantis-4 was now temporarily bald.

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**74. Asgard are no longer allowed to consume alcoholic beverages. **

After only half a can of beer, Hermiod had become totally drunk. And while drunk, he had found a new form of amusement.

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**75. Beaming-sickness isn't funny. Don't make jokes about it!**

After being beamed directly from his quarters to the gateroom and back 128 times, Richard Woolsey had come down with beaming sickness. Which apparently caused humans to turn brilliant green.

The rest of the gateroom staff had turned a shade of green. But that was just from seeing Woolsey beam in suddenly wearing hot-pink pajamas.

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**76. Do not clip clothespins to your commander's hair.**

Sheppard had been sleepy. Ronon and Rodney had been bored. Teyla had been extremely amused.

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**77. Do not paint people orange.**

Atlantis-4 had struck again.

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**78. Do not ride bicycles through the gate.**

The reason they couldn't take a jumper, Sheppard found out the hard way, was that someone had planted a barbed-wire fence directly in front of the gate.

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**79. Or skateboards!**

This time, it had been a large rock. This time, Sheppard had completed the mission, but with a broken nose, two black eyes, and a bruise slightly smaller than Atlantis.

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**Do not poke energy beings.**

Exactly why Atlantis-6 thought it would be funny to poke Athar, no-one knew. McKay was still working on a way to turn them back into humans.

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Author's note: Well? How did I do? Press the big green review button and let me know! The more reviews I get, the sooner I post new chapters!


	6. Chapter 6

Author's note: Well, here is yet another chapter. My muse ran off and hid, so my brother helped me write this chapter. Once again, suggestions would be helpful.

Number 96 is a reference to **LilRicki**'s great fic, VeggieAtlantis.

Thanks to my many reviewers.

I finally passed the 100-rule mark. Yay!

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**81. Do not give Sheppard Tylenol.**

Two days later, Sheppard was still wide awake and singing "We all Live in a Yellow Submarine" at the top of his lungs.

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**82. Do not tease Atlantis-4. They did not get turned into turtles deliberately**.

The galaxy's most annoying Stargate team was human again and back to their old selves. One would have thought that spending two weeks as reptiles would have changed _some_.

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**83. The correct answer to "what happened to all the hot water?" is not "You stared at it wrong." **

Actually the correct answer was that _someone_ had _accidently_ run a diagnostic on the ancient water heater, causing it to turn into a water _cooler_. On the bright side, it finally got the coffee smell out of it.

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**84. Do not hide in trash cans.**

You could now smell McKay from three floors away.

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**85. This goes for Atlantis-4 as well.**

A recon mission gone bad had found the infamously un-brilliant team being dug out of the local landfill.

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**86. When on trading missions, the objective is to establish peaceful trading relations with them. This implies NOT STEALING THE TRIBAL ELDER'S WIG!**

It had been ATL-6. They had been rescued several hours later, all ears still intact.

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**87. Jumpers are not to be decorated with shaving cream!**

Jumper 6 had been covered with shaving cream. Atlantis was now out, and Zedeka was in hiding.

**88. Silly string should not be used in the ZPM room.**

Where Ronon had got the silly string, and where he had learned to use it, no-one wanted to ask.

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**89. Do not make fake ZPMs.**

**90. Or drop them on people's heads.**

Atlantis-4 was at it again. They had made a ZPM out of a peanut-butter jar and a flashlight. Sheppard had started a petition to strand them on an unknown planet.

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**91. Do not let Todd get his hands on hyperdrive-equipped paper planes.**

Atlantis-4 had reported to the infirmary with severe paper-cuts.

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**92. You shall not duct-tape people to puddle jumpers.**

McKay had been particularly annoying. Ronon had found a roll of Duct tape.

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**93. You cannot drink the natives under the table. Don't try.**

Major Anne Teldy's team, Atlantis-5,had wondered through the gate three hours later, looking for aspirin.

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**94. Do not tell aliens about how fun your computer game is unless you WANT them to demand a copy.**

Todd's hive now had the only World of Warcraft server in the Pegasus galaxy.

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**95. Do not power the Gate with kinetic energy.**

Atlantis-4 had found themselves stuck on a planet with no way to power the gate. Apparently, the gate could draw power from the harmonic resonances caused by rocks hitting it. So they had generated more power by throwing rocks at the gate for two days. Unfortunately, someone had forgotten to stop after they sent the IDC.

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**96. When the Wrath are attacking, it is a waste of time and energy to sing "Keep Blasting"**

Someone had put VeggieTales "Keep walking" song to Atlantis-appropriate lyrics. It had been funny the first time, but after the two hundred and fifteenth…

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**97. Do not make up strange side effects to the ATA gene therapy.**

Why Carson thought it would be funny to tell Atlants-5's resident hypochondriac that a side effect of the therapy was the wish to stand on one's head, Sheppard couldn't guess.

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**98. Stargate teams do not have theme songs. **

Atlants-4 had begun singing Zack Brown's "Chicken Fried" at every possible opportunity.

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**99. You cannot soup up puddle jumpers. Don't try.**

Teyla wondered why someone would want to make soup out of a flying machine.

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**100. NEVER throw a ZedPM, even a fake one.**

McKay's heroic "I'm-saving-the-solar-system" dive had stopped the ZPM from shattering. When he found out that he had broken his nose saving Atlantis-4's phony …

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**101. Do not set the gate to emergency eject mode. **

McKay had his revenge. Atlantis-4 had stepped through the gate and been spat out the other side like a machine gun.

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**102. And if you do, remember to turn it off**

A dozen visiting Athosian had been launched into Atlantis, machine gun style.

**103. I told you about the flagpole!**

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Author's note: Well? How did I do? Press the big green review button and let me know! Also, tell me what your favorite rules were!


	7. Chapter 7

As my inspiration has ran away (I'll gate to Pegasus in a few weeks and try and talk it into coming home), as such my brother is entirely responsible for the writing of this chapter.

Edit-Spelling errors now corrected. (why my brother thought Atlantis is spelled "Adlantis", I shall never know.)

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**104. Do not play with Goa'ould stun grenades. **

**105. Do not build catapults.**

**106. Do not play with Goa'ould stun grenades and catapults!**

A single spherical item had hurtled through the window and into the gate room, and knocked out and temporarily blinded the command staff. McKay and Ronan were in charge of hunting for the "Goa'ould Grenadier"

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**107. Don't make a $350 order to a Genni mail order catalog.**

**108. Especially if you don't have any Genni money.**

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**109. Do not let the SGC hear about the Snake-head flu.**

Atlantis-4 had come home with a peculiar version of the common cold - it caused a person's eyes to glow when they sneezed.

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**110. Do not attempt to repair a hot water tank that you do not know anything about. **

The control room now had a fountain, the jumper bay now had a sprinkler system, and Mr. Wolsey's office had been irrigated.

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**111. The Althosians are not to be taunted. **

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**112. And especially don't say "I can use a quarterstaff better than you can".**

Atlantis-4 all had broken bones and multiple bruises.

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**113. Don't demand that everyone help you carry an alien machine back to the gate 'till you know what it is.**

It turned out to be a malfunctioning mind-switching device. Teyla, Ronan and McKay were in the infirmary. Their consciousnesses were inside Sheppard's head.

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**114. Do not laugh at the "walking argument". He has the combined combat ability of Teyla and Ronan. And McKay's temper. **

Sheppard hoped that Zedeka would fix it and get them back to normal soon.

"Don't you dare think of putting him in charge of the project!" McKay stated.

"How could you possibly solve it with chewbaca here blowing off his temper?"

"I'm not a wookie!"

"QUIET!" Teyla shouted loud enough to cause a headache for all of them.

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**115. Do not attempt to start a conversation with any member of Atlantis-1. ****They aren't who they look like.**

Zedeka's solution hadn't worked exactly right.

Sheppard's consciousness and Teyla's body were hiding in the infirmary.

McKay was no longer rude – he was Teyla.

Ronon's body (and McKay's brain) was in the science lab.

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**117. I will not patch up the next fool who thinks he can tackle one of those wee drone-things.**

The leader of Atlantis-4 had thought tackling an accidentally launched drone weapon a good idea.

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**118. Do NOT eat the strawberry tarts in the mess hall!**

Apparently during the Goa'ould grenadier incident, someone had gone through to P3X – 894 and brought back a lot of strawberries. Alien strawberries. Which acted like poison ivy.

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**119. Stunning the mess hall staff is not a good way to get extra chocolate cake.**

The mess hall staff was chasing McKay's body around the south pier.

The real culprit was eating cake and thinking kindly of Ronin's blaster

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**120. Do not turn in the mission report "We picked up a stupid ancient device - it scrambled our brains." I expected better, Sheppard! **

Woolsey hadn't been briefed yet.

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**121. Sending the person in your body to my office does not count as coming to my office.**

Sheppard's very embarrassed consciousness would not be coaxed out of the infirmary.

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**122. I said not to tell SGC about the snake-head flu!**

Atlantis was enduring a bunch of tests to make sure they weren't Goa'ould. Woolsey had dialed the gate and dived through faster than they had thought possible.

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**123. Ignore the shouting coming from the infirmary. **

Atlantis-1 was now all back in their own bodies. And Ronon was using his blaster to emphasize what he thought of McKay's eating habits.

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**124.**** Do not get between the" Mad Zatter" and the "Goa'ould Grenadier" **

Someone in the command staff had a Tok'ra –made Zat'nik'tel, an Ancient Identity Hider Device, a good aim- and a lot of revenge to dish out.

McKay underlined the comment with great sorrow, staring at the empty space where his now-vaporized chocolate pudding had been.

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So what do you think? Should I prevent my brother from ever touching this story again ? Should I let him write it? hit him over the head with the review button? Hit the review button and tell me what you think


	8. Chapter 8

Author's note: My muse finally came back long enough to type up one more chapter.

However, I may write a sequel by the name of **Things Not to Do at the SGC.**

Any strange spelling errors in this chapter are the result of it having been typed up completely in OpenOffice, which I'm not that good at using.

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**125. Atlantis-4 is not to be referred to as the "Kentucky fried roadkill".**

Sheppard didn't really want to know.

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**126. When making moonshine, for heaven's sake -DON'T SAMPLE IT!**

Zedeka had, and accidentally left a valve closed. The south pier would never be the same again.

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**127. Alright, you lot- Don't lick the floor!**

The explosion had showered most of the pier with particularly powerful moonshine.

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**128. Atlantis's chord organ is not for playing opera over the intercom at 3:30 AM!**

The French team had apparently been licking the floor, and decided everyone would enjoy a traditional french opera.

Played over the intercom. At 3:30 AM. With the volume turned to "Maximum".

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**129. No impromptu orchastras.**

Two guitars, a banjo, a fiddle, three harmonicas, a tuba, two electronic pianos, a flute, two piccolos, a set of bagpipes, and an entire drum set had assembled outside the French team's quarters.

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**130. Do not conduct said impromptu orchestras with a framing hammer.**

A particularly profound drum movement had altered Ronon's nose so that it now looked as if it had been hit by a flying hammer.

Sheppard was now in the infirmary with a tuba stuck over his head.

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**131. Do not decorate other people's jumpers.**

The French team had recruited the German and Chinese teams, and the combined forces had shrink- wrapped Sheppard's jumper.

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**132. The Three Stooges are not to be re-enacted while on missions.**

Atlantis-4 was at it again.

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**133. Do not take vacuum cleaners through the gate.**

It wasn't Sheppard's fault that the natives of P3X-782 now worshiped a Hover upright.

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**134. Wrath are not potatoes. Jumpers are not potato mashers.**

Sheppard instantly guessed that this had something to do with the strange smell coming from the base of Atlantis-4's jumper.

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**135. Do not send this list to the SGC.**

The IOA had been slightly disturbed, to say the least.

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**136. When you throw your pants in the laundry,_ do not leave live grenades in the pockets!_**

Apparently, someone had. The result had been rather-spectacular.

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**137. Do not fish off the balcony on deck 48.**

Sheppard had managed to catch something. Unfortunately, that something happened to be the underwear of an unfortunate Saldean who had been walking along the balcony two decks below.

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**138. ****Do not put lemonade mix in the water tanks.**

The showers now offered two varieties: warm lemonade or cold lemonade.

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**139. Teaching Todd to play poker: perfectly fine. Inviting Todd to poker night: not so fine.**

Sheppard was now completely broke.

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**140. All right people, we got rid of him. Now can we go back to being normal?**

The constant pranks had finally gotten to Wolsey. The datelus had taken him back to a nice padded room on Earth.

Apparently, running circles around the gateroom screaming about the evils of lemonade counts a 'insane'.

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Author's note: Well? What did everyone think? Press the big green 'review' button and let me know!

I would like to say thanks to my many reviewers, who have helped inspire me to write this fic. I hope everyone had as much fun reading this as I did with writing it.


	9. Christmas Special

Author's Note: This is just a last-minute Christmas present for all the fans of "Things not to do on Atlantis". My brother helped me throw it together, so some of the jokes aren't my fault.

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Things not to do on Atlantis

**Christmas edition**

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141. Do not use the mistletoe from P3X-987.

The alien mistletoe had rather put a damper on Atlantis's Christmas spirit. It emitted a chemical similar to earth onions when cut. And people cried.

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142. Do not use a Drone Weapon for the star on a Christmas tree!

The hair-brained Adlantis-4 had struck again. Thankfully, Sheppard had caught them before they turned it on.

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143. Do not tie a trees to the top of a jumper.

The sight of 'jumper Four coming into Atlantis upside down with a tree tied to the roof had given Sheppard more than a few grey hairs.

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144. Never-Ever-EVER -

_**EVER**_** use the shield as a speaker. **

A group of scientests with too much eggnog in them had figured out how to make the shield act as a giant speaker. And had exposed everyone on the planet to "Joy to the World" Carson now had an infirmary full of people with major headaches and burst eardrums

Mr. Wolsey had sworn that if they ever tried it again, he would push them off the balcony himself.

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145. You are not allowed to move the city into a snowstorm!

Thankfully, Wolsey had caught wind of that plot, and put his foot down. They were NOT moving Atlantis to the North Pole for Christmas, no matter _WHAT_ Altlantis-4 had said.

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146. Do not freeze people's deodorant.

What had inspired Sheppard and Zelenka to dump McKay's bar of deodorant in liquid nitrogen was unknown. Why they had proceeded to place it back on his dresser was even more unknown.

The fact that McKay didn't notice that it was frozen until he was using it was now known to everyone within hearing range.

**147. Don't film the results!**

Thanks to major Lorne, the entire incident was now preserved on film. Including the part where McKay came running through the control room, Deodorant still frozen firmly to his armpit.

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148. "It looks like tinsel." is

_**not**_** a good reason to put something on the tree.**

It had actually been part of the city's power distribution network- and when McKay had activated it a few minutes later, the tree had been incinerated.

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149. Save some popcorn for the tree, ye %$& idiots!

Becket hadn't been pleased when he saw Teyla, Ronon, and McKay consuming the popcorn intended for the tree.

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150. McKay, the cookies aren't iced yet-stay away from them!

**151. Zelinka's "Christmas Special" is not to be drunk using soup bowls!**

His most potent ever Moonshine was being consumed at an excessive rate.

Sheppard wondered what Atlantis- 4 would be like, drunk and hyperactive at the same time.

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156. Hanging Christmas lights around the control room-fine.

**157. Leaving colonel Sheppard clinging to a string of Christmas lights from the jumper-bay door- not fine .**

While hanging Christmas lights around the jumper bay, the door had opened under Sheppard's feet, courtesy of a drunk and hyperactive Atlantis-4.

**158. In fact, if you do it again, a fleet of hive-ships won't be able to help you!**

The spectacle of Sheppard clinging for his life to a strand of icicle lights was funny. The resulting spectacle of him chasing a drunk Atlantis-4 with a rocket launcher had been twice as funny.

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Author's Note: Well, I hope you all enjoyed it. I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas, and don't forget the true meaning of Christmas- Christ's birth.

By the way, it would be nice if you didn't forget to review, ether!


	10. Chapter 10

Author's note: Well, my muse decided to come back home to it's favorite story. So here's the next chapter!

It has come to my attention that, by some strange twist of random chance, **bunjamina66**'s story "The Atlantis Infirmary Rulebook " has a lot of rules that are extremely similar to mine.

Any strange spelling errors in this chapter are the result of it having been typed up completely in OpenOffice, which I'm not that good at using.

Disclaimer: _I don't own Stargate: Atlantis. If I did, it would have never been cancled, and Carter would have never been in comand of Atlantis._

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**159. The "Green Acres" theme song is not to be sung.**

The first time, it was somewhat funny.

The one hundred and twenty-ninth time, not so much.

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**160. Do not aggravate alien team members.**

Atlantis-8 had a new member- a 5"4' humanoid with features that reminded one of a lion, and a temper to match.

Also, as Atlantis-6 found out the hard way, it had a tremendous skill with martial arts. They were admitted to the infirmary with twenty-one disjointed elbows, two black eyes, and a large bruise courtesy of a passing Althosian.

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**161. Unless you have reasonable evidence it is sentient, DON'T APPOLIGISE TO IT!!**

The sanity of some of the command staff was in extreme doubt.

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**162. No, this does not mean you can avoid apologizing to the scientists.**

Atlantis-3 had tried to provide "reasonable evidence" that their resident astrophysicist wasn't actually sentient.

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**163. Atlantis personnel are hereby prohibited from singing the "Shell Rotella" theme song.**

Sheppard looked at the rule at extreme disappointment, then reached for a pen and made his own addition.

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**164. Whoever taught it to Todd is in SERIOUS trouble.**

The muddled strains of "...you'll get farther down the road with Shell Rotella, even if Rotella T don't rhyme that well.." came from the direction of the brig.

Sheppard went to see if Rodney had found any earplugs yet.

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**165. Do not feed Ronon whipped cream.**

The big Sateden had gone... slightly mental.

After balancing a blender on Wolsey's head, he had set off around the control room at maximum speed, singing something about pumpkin pie, Genii, and forks.

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**166. Sheppard is not "Colonel Hogan"**

The Dadelus has brought a number of DVDs. Among which was the entire first season of "_Hogan's Heroes_". Atlantis-4 had watched said DVDs _ad nausem_ and got some strange ideas.

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**167. The next person who refers to Mr. ****Wosley**** as "Commandant Klink" is faci****ng a permanent transfer to a Wrath-infested planet.**

Sheppard had allowed himself to be talked into watching a few episodes- and noticed a distinct similarity.

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**168. For that matter, Dr. Becket prefers not to ****be called "Colonel Newkirk". On pain of spurtles and large needles.**

The Hogan's Heroes craze was getting a little out of control.

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**169. It is inadvisable to call McKay "Sergeant Schultz".**

**170. Even if they are extremely similar.**

Even ice-cold showers with green dye hadn't dissuaded Sheppard.

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**171. I don't care what reason you had- no Peanut-butter and superglue sandwiches.**

Fortunately, the culprit of this prank remained unknown.

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**172. Kayro is not be dumped down the backs of people's necks.**

One didn't know what "sticky" meant until one had half a gallon of Light Corn Syrup up-ended over one's head.

Sheppard was out for revenge.

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**173. When under fire from Wrath, throwing the local religious establishment down the hill at them is not an appropriate response.**

A more-than-slightly-drunk SGA-6 had been attacked on P3X-487. And responded by demolishing the local temple and throwing it down the hill at them.

The locals had politely asked them not to return without adult supervision.

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For those who aren't first-year Latin students: "_Ad nausem_" means "_until sick_". I think.

Author's Note: Well, what did you think? Leave a review and let me know!


	11. Chapter 11

Well, school is out for the summer, as is my computer (my graphics card died). I'm typing this up on my brother's computer.

Also, I must thank **Blaze** for the idea for rule 196.

Anyway, here's the next chapter. Enjoy!

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174. Don't glomp the aliens!

Atlantis-6's new ailen team member was apparently, according to Major Ann Teddy's team, "extremely attractive". However, he hadn't taken to well to the idea of the "slightly" drunk all-female SG team ambushing him- which led to the next rule added to the list.

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175. Do not suspend people off the control room balcony.

Sheppard was surprised that an over-the-door coat hanger could hold four people.

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176. No Mayonnaise!

Wolsey had been quite upset to awaken and find that a whole jar had been up-ended over his head. However, he had learned his lesson- Never fall asleep while briefing Atlantis-4 on their next mission.

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178. Asparagus spears are not weapons.

The writer of this rule was unknown. As was the identity of the person who "folded, spindled, mutated, and smashed" an entire shipment of asparagus.

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179. "The biscuit of Zazamarandivo" is not the national anthem of Atlantis.

Whatever had convinced Lorne's team to tell the vacuum-cleaner-worshiping natives of P3X-782 this, no-one knew.

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180. Goats are not suitable substitutes for P-90s.

Doing a firefight in a dark barnyard, Major Joshua Harland of Atlantis-6 had lost his rifle, and grabbed an odd dark shape off the floor.

Sleeping alien goats do not like suddenly scooped up and pointed at Wrath. Especially if said goats are the fire-breathing kind from P4G-795.

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181. The Wrath are not French peas. Would you lot please stop saying so?

Ronon's campaign to avoid hospitalization by driving both Dr. Becket and Dr. Keller insane was working nicely.

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182. Felling a tree on the Stargate is not a way to power it.

Lieutenant Sophie Amos of Atlantis-4 had been trapped alone on a planet with no DHD. Her solution was original, but Sheppard didn't like trying to explain why "the great crazy one" had made a dent in the ring of the ancestors.

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183. Do not talk while attempting to make a spitball.

Carson had taken an hour to fish the lower right corner of Sheppard's mission report out of his larynx.

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**184. When coming through the gate, even if you're coming in hot, get out of your tent first.**

Atlantis-8 was apparently in somewhat of a hurry. Still nicely camped out in their tent, they managed to dial the gate, send the IDC, and rush through the gate.

They weren't happy when the Marines jumped the "strange eight-legged creature" that was apparently attacking Atlantis.

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**185. Telling the natives that punching people in the nose is a traditional earth greeting is not a wise idea. **

Unfortunately, Colonel Sheppard and McKay were the next to visit the planet, and received an enthusiastic greeting from the natives.

But then again, it was their fault.

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186. If ye must come through the gate in a tent, watch where ye'r going!

Carson was furious. Atlantis-3 decided to copy Atlantis-8's antics - and charged into the city still wearing their tent.

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187. No tricycles!

Atlantis -4 was back in the running for "Most ingenious way to injure your entire team".

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188. Do not attempt to talk natives into helping you repair your equipment.

When Rodney's Tac-vest had shed several of its pockets, a native girl had offered to help him repair it. Sheppard had said something inappropriate, and Rodney had come home with his tactical vest sewn to his hair.

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189. Do not sew someone's pants and shirt together.

Sheppard should have known better than to fall asleep in the rec-room when McKay was mad at him.

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**190. Don't tie people's laundry together.**

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**191. "John Sheppard Hair Day" is never to be mentioned again.**

Lorne looked fine in a Sheppard-style haircut

Woolsey, however, was not in the mood to be ambushed with hair gel.

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192. Please do not cloak the gateroom.

Radec's boredom would be the death of the command staff.

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193. **Tripping over Atlantis-1 will not bring you good luck.**

This mysterious rumor had started flying after Sheppard had arrived late for the start of a mission, tripped over a certain Athosian who was sitting on the stairs, and fell down the stairs face-first, knocking over McKay and tripping Ronon.

They came back from the mission with a ZPM.

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**194. Never try to use the cloak to convince people you can fly**

Sheppard had used the city's cloak to hide a stack of crates in the gate room, climbed atop them and announced that he was flying.

Everyone was startled for all of ten seconds- until McKay came barreling in and knocked the crates over.

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195. You cannot disconnect one end of a slingshot and then shoot it.

Atlantis-4 had got over the tricycle incident, and found a more creative way to give themselves major bruises.

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196. The "Rodeo song" is hereby forbidden.

Sheppard didn't really want to know.

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197. You are forbidden to tell the natives that one of your companions is "the deity of stupidity".

Atlantis-4's former runner seemed determined to get them all killed by natives. Or just enjoyed provoking _Running_ battles.

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198. You may not cloak yourself!

Collapsing the city's cloaking device around a small area on the east pier, then jumping out and scaring people, was probably not the brightest thing Dr. Keller ever did.

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199. Do not attempt to bottle-feed a baby fire-breathing goat.

The all-female botany team had thought the goats were cute. Unfortunately, the mother had discovered them kidnapping one of her offspring.

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200. Pins are to remain with the sewing gear when not in use

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Persons unknown had "armed" the briefing room chairs with a number of straight pins.

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201. I don't care how funny it is- horses are not to be oiled.

An excessively long trip on horseback, a bored lieutenant-colonel, and a spare container of Crisco all combined to leave McKay a very slippery ride back to the 'gate.

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202. You may not shoot people with slingshots and them clam you were re-enacting "David and Goliath".

Marines, rocket launchers, drones, and three plants were involved in the ensuing chase. Atlantis-4 really liked their "dumbest team" title.

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Author's Note: Well? What do you think? Is it Horrible? Wonderful? Press the green review button and let me know!


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